


sad beautiful tragic

by Weatherbug02



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Divorce, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, This is some emo shit i tell you, breaking up, canonverse, no making up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-16 00:56:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14801267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weatherbug02/pseuds/Weatherbug02
Summary: Sometimes love is messy. Ben and Rey know this all too well.





	sad beautiful tragic

**Author's Note:**

> _"And you've got your demons, and, darlin', they all look like me."_

Their romance was one of fire, but even as the glow kept the light alive, it was only a matter of time before it burned itself out.

They hadn’t liked each other when they met, had been political enemies first and then personal enemies later. Rey should have kept her distance, but it wasn’t as if she had a choice after a while. The Force brought them together, and then one thing grew into another and Rey was offering herself over and risking everything for Ben Solo.

It hadn’t worked, of course it hadn’t. That should’ve been the first warning sign.

***

Maybe they were radioactive. A toss up between years of pain or a quick death within just minutes. Neither would ever be sure which one was better.

After Crait, they had avoided each other like one carried a plague. The moment their bond would open, one or both of them would shut it closed in an instant, leaving no room for the other to say a single word. Perhaps it was better that way, living in perpetual silence because it was only then there was no more arguing. 

Except one day it wouldn’t close. They stared at each other for minutes, a game of who was first to speak. It was always him. “Don’t.”

“I wasn’t.”

***

Perhaps it was something else entirely. Perhaps they were disease, wiping out entire groups of people within a blink of an eye. Decimation and extreme consequence. The silent but lethal killer. Yes, yes, maybe that was it.

Rey could still remember how it started, how it  _ really _ started. She was crying for some reason, for something, and then he was there, arms around her. It was in those moments that she could almost forget who he was, what he’d done to her and everyone around them.

It was in those moments she wished she said yes, but it was in all the others she was glad she hadn’t.

***

It could’ve been that they were war. A war in all aspects. In life, in death, in themselves and everyone around them. They fought with all the same gusto they cared, perhaps even more. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. She wasn’t supposed to hate herself.

“Why are you crying?” he asked one day.

Rey looked up at him, tears still glistening in her eyes. “I… I don’t know.”

She could tell he didn’t believe that. She didn’t even believe herself.

***

They were a ticking time bomb, just waiting to explode. One moment it was fine, and then the next there was nothing left. One day they were okay and then the next he was the last person she wanted to see. 

But it could never keep him away. They were drawn to each other in a way that no one could understand. It shouldn’t have been real and yet it was. 

They slept together more often than not now, not by their own volition but the Force’s. It should have been annoying, but he was warm and large and he smelled just like she imagined home would. 

***

Rey couldn’t have told you who initiated anything first. For a while, it seemed completely platonic or even less than that. She wasn’t sure when feelings changed, when suddenly glaring turned to longing and suddenly everything he did was attractive. It just did.

She kissed him one day, and it didn’t even take him by surprise. It wasn’t perfect by any means, inexperience shining through on both accounts, but damn it, it was good. In that moment, Rey was sure, absolutely certain, that she would never let him go.

“Good?” he asked, palms pressing into her cheeks.

“Good.” For once, it wasn’t a lie.

***

Except then things were just  _ wrong. _ Sometimes it was like that, but it was different this time. Rey shouldn’t have gotten used to what they had—the kissing, the touching, the affection and meaning. She should’ve known it would’ve gone to shit eventually.

He wouldn’t let her touch him, wouldn’t tell her why. He was just there one day and then absent the next. The rational part of Rey’s brain told her that something else was going on, but all the others, the ones fraught with abandonment and touchiness and pain demanded that it was  _ her _ fault. Ben didn’t love her. He never would.

And then—

_ Don’t ever believe that. _

The words weren’t spoken out loud, just there and then not. But she knew it was him, and she knew that he meant it.

***

It wasn’t all bad, though. There were days that just seemed to go right, and then he was smiling for once, and everything was just okay. Rey wished there more of those.

His lips were pressed into her neck. “I wish I could see you. For real, not through the Force. I want to touch you and kiss you and—”

“We will, Ben. I believe in us.”

It was wishful thinking, possibly a complete lie, but they were young and foolish and painfully in love. It was enough.

***

“I love you,” he said one day.

It struck her heart more than any other words ever could. There was no other statement, no other combination of letters that could compare to those three words.

It was what started fights and later finished them.

It was the first words your mother said to you when you were born and the last ones you would say when she died. 

It was sad and beautiful and tragic, all at the same time. 

So Rey said only what she could, only what she wanted to: “I love you too.”

***

And then there was passion, an onset of love but something completely different. Terrifying. Completely, utterly terrifying.

Rey was honestly surprised it took them this long to realize that there wasn’t much holding them back from this portion of their relationship aside from themselves. Kissing and touching were good, yes, great even, but there was nothing like feeling his hands on her bare skin, exploring each other in the most intimate of ways. 

This was when Ben was the most soft, his eyes closed and knit together when he was inside her. Soft and gentle and delicate. It was moments like these that she remembered, remembered exactly she fell for him in the first place.

***

Maybe it wasn’t her fault at all. Or even his. Maybe it was everyone else.

No one supported her decision to leave for him. She didn’t imagine they would.

But Leia warning rang through her head:  _ You’re rushing into things. Make sure you know what you’re doing.  _

A wise warning for anyone else, but Rey was sure of Ben. She loved him and he loved her and nothing else mattered.

***

And then she was with him, in the midst of war and unrest and political turmoil. None of it mattered now that she was in his arms and was never letting go again. As it turned out, Naboo really was the perfect place to fall in love.

“I’m so happy you’re here,” he mumbled against her lips that night. The doors to the balcony were open as they laid in bed, a gentle breeze rustling the curtains. Sex was… different in real life, when they other person wasn’t transported across a galaxy. It was slower now, more relaxed, and Rey could just focus on being  _ there _ with him.

She smiled, brushing her fingers over the sweaty hair stuck on his forehead. “Forever, Ben. I’m yours forever.”

“Promise me.”

“I promise.”

***

“Would you marry me?”

It was too soon, Rey knew it all too well. They were young and stupid and naive, but somehow the question seemed appropriate. They were in love, hopelessly and desperately and nothing else mattered except for them. There was no point in waiting was there?

And so he said yes, and they married within the next week, quietly and alone at the place where all love fell apart. 

***

They were fire and gasoline and ash. They were explosive and divisive and electric. They were brutal and beautiful and all kinds of wrong. 

That should have been another warning sign, but Rey ignored it just like she ignored his anger when he didn’t get what he wanted. Just like how she ignored how he stared at her like she was already at a breaking point. Just like how they seemed to ignore each other when they needed the support most. 

But it was fine. They had problems. So did everyone.

***

Except they fell apart. It was then that Rey learned that time was the world’s greatest killer. 

It wasn’t much that caused it. It was just one night as Rey lied awake and Ben wasn’t there that she realized—what was she doing? What had they done to themselves to get them at this point? 

She still loved him, but sometimes love wasn’t enough, was it? It was overshadowed by brokenness that neither of them seemed to be able to manage. And maybe they had gone into this too quickly. Maybe they were should have just  _ waited. _ Time would have fixed everything.

***

Ben never left her, but she almost wished he had. Their days were spent mostly separated now, and Rey found herself glad of that fact. She couldn’t take the absent look in his eyes as he just… stared, waiting for  _ something. _ A fix to all their problems, perhaps. Wouldn’t that be magnificent?

They still had sex sometimes, but it wasn’t the same. It was quick and rougher with less care and attentiveness attached to it. Was it boredom? Maybe the fix to this was easy. Maybe all it took was just making things more interesting.

***

And it worked until it didn’t, and Rey found Ben on their couch more often than not, and that was okay because he was always too warm anyway. Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months and absolutely nothing changed. Should she have been worried? Probably. Except she immersed herself in training to forget. It would be fine.  _ They _ would be fine.

This wasn’t a loveless marriage. This wasn’t something that could be broken apart easily. They had been through so much together, so much pain and sorrow and tragedy. They deserved more than that.

***

But then one day they were eating and it occurred to Rey that they had nothing to talk about. They hadn’t in a while. He rarely ever even spoke to her, and she rarely ever spoke to him. They just existed around each other with no purpose or drive. And for what? What was the point in being with him?

The point was… She didn’t even have an answer for it. The point was, what? Because she had to? No, she didn’t. Plenty of women left unhappy marriages except this wasn’t one and yet—

***

There was shouting one day as she packed her bags right in front of him. Rey almost wished he would do something that would  _ make _ her leave, make this decision easier. But he didn’t. 

He begged her, actually got on his knees and took her hands into his and pleaded for her to stay. For a moment, she almost did. And then she took another look at him and saw the face of a man who was tired with his life, and damn it, if she wasn’t tired of it too.

“I’m sorry, Ben,” Rey said, twisting out of his grasp. “I’m so sorry.”

***

He would be okay. She would be okay. Life would go on. Maybe.

***

And it did. Years later, she saw him again with the same jet black hair and the same tired eyes, but this time he smiled, and Rey knew she made the right decision.

Because sometimes it’s not about who you are with someone—

It’s about who you are with yourself.

***

In the end, it wasn’t any of that that ruined lives—war and hate and death.

Rey and Ben were love itself, and it tore up and spit out even the most beautiful of people.

 

**Author's Note:**

> heh
> 
> Yell at me on my Tumblr: https://reyloday.tumblr.com/


End file.
